Where the truth comes out and it’s not the slightest bit pretty, or inspirational, or even positive. It’s also a truth I have kept to myself because of its ugliness. Convinced the person telling me that HAD to be mistaken. If I choose to let in the darkness and the sadness and the REALNESS…won’t I sink in it? I think I’m starting to come to a better understanding of why…but for the moment, it’s still just shadowed and blurry truth that I’m struggling to make sense of. A few years ago I felt like I could simply walk into a room and command the attention of the men in the room. I suspect it was more an internal change than an external one, as I honestly think I physically look better now than I did ten years ago. If I don’t look for the silver lining…what is the purpose to the bad things that happen?! The truth is…I don’t know exactly why I’m still single. But something changed along the way and that’s not my experience anymore.
And life without both joy AND sadness is a life without balance. And I think it’s high time to march all of that loneliness and self doubt and fear into the light and stop hiding it away and acting like it doesn’t exist because to admit that it DOES exist is to admit vulnerability. And to go a step further…all of my great big ugly fears about what being single at age 36 says about me.A war in Sudan prevented Laine from photographing the king of Shiluk, a descendant of black dynasties that ruled Egypt.Others, including the king of Swaziland, declined to be photographed. And in doing that, my friends, I feel I have done you a disservice. It’s recently been called to my attention that I use positivity as a defense mechanism. That my humanity and my imperfections were a turnoff to him. I can’t blame all of my self doubts on men, though. That’s a refusal to take responsibility for my own life and choices and attitudes and self image, and I won’t do that. “You’re too ugly.” “You’re too fat.” “You have a gap in your teeth.” “You look old.” “You’ve done too many bad things in your life and you don’t deserve to ever find love.” “God has forgotten you.” “It’s so easy for everyone else and so difficult for you.” “You’re meant to wander the earth alone forever.” “You will always be on the outside, looking in.” And on and on and on, like a broken record. (But I don’t and doubt I will ever have a thigh gap. Part of being the heroine of your own life is accepting the bad with the good. I’ve dressed it up in pretty pink girl power with a silver lining instead of gotten really, really REAL with you and with myself about my fears about being single and 36. But the reasons I often convince myself that I’m still single aren’t pretty. A toxic relationship in my late 20’s that left me questioning everything about myself took its toll. Another man I loved for eight long years sat in my apartment not quite a year ago and looked me in the eyes and basically told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t lovable to him. That he had abruptly stopped being attracted to me, after almost a decade of intense, undeniable chemistry. I also have makeup, lots of makeup, and I’m working on the self-love stuff every day.